Monday, 6 July 2009

The End is Here

I am usually pleased to get emails from The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith, but the one that came this week brought some rather sombre news. He writes:

Greetings, friends of The Brick Testament.
Ever performed a magic trick for your friends? Committed adultery? Worshipped an idol? Are you cowardly? How about filthy? Have you ever told a lie? If so, bad news. You are going to be ceaselessly tortured for all eternity. Good news, though, if you are a male Jewish virgin. A lucky 144,000 of you are going to get to live on the New Improved Earth with Yahweh. Sound fun? Did I mention the whole place is made out of gold? And has good water and 12 kinds of fruit all year round? Pretty sweet, huh? Plus, there will be no crying, no pain, and no death. And everybody gets a cool tattoo of Yahweh's name on their forehead and worships Yahweh to his face! But guess what? No chicks. And no being sad about your loved ones being eternally roasted in flames while you bask in Yahweh's glow. Yes, folks, our final four illustrated stories from Revelation reveal God's ultimate plan for humanity in full.

And what a plan it is! Sure, you may have been wondering what all that crazy build-up was leading to, what with all God's elaborate killings and tortures of the vast majority of humankind. But when you finally see that all those people who were tortured and killed on Earth are also going to be tortured in burning hot flames for ever and ever after they died horrible deaths, it all just suddenly comes together. So go now, read the final stories of Revelation and have your own A-ha! moment. Happy epiphany!

Obviously neither I nor anyone I know are among the lucky ones, so the outlook doesn't look too good for me and mine. However, I did take a hasty peep at the final illustrated stories from Revelation and it seems to me that they contain many errors, so that God's ultimate plan for humanity may not unfold exactly as it is promised. For example, in the one entitled 'God Tortures a Whore' it is clearly stated: 'And the kings of the earth who committed adultery with her will see the smoke from the fire that burns her, and they will weep and mourn over her.'

Now, we all know that most kings are quite keen on adultery with whores, but: 'weeping and mourning' over them? This seems very unlikely, and such howlers must cast doubt on the accuracy of the whole farrago. So I shall take a relaxed attitude towards all these pronouncements.


Gumby said...


Lucky for me I am really a male Jewish virgin.
Incidentally, this is in no way a plug for goods or services.


Gumby said...

How can I possibly be expected to remember something as trivial as a Google password when I am bound for the land of milk and honey?
Anyway, I have to go now and ask Mum if she has washed my good socks.

Tony said...

Why, there you are again, Gumby dear. I trust you are well?