E L Wisty's World Domination League

If there’s one thing I can’t bear, it’s when hundreds of old men come creeping in through the window in the middle of the night and throw all manner of garbage all over me. I can’t bear that. I think that’s unbearable. Ghastly old men, with great pails of garbage, throwing it all over me. I don’t think it should be allowed, I think there should be a place for those people to go. I’d vote for any party that would say “I won’t allow people to throw garbage all over me”. But none of the parties seem to be particularly interested. That’s why I formed the World Domination League.

It’s wonderful league, the World Domination League. The aims, as published in the manifesto, are total domination of the world by 1958. How we aim to go about it is as follows: we shall move about into people’s rooms and say, “Excuse me, we are the World Domination League, may we dominate you?” Then, if they say “Get out”, of course we give up.

There’s been some wonderful dominators in history, you know. Attila was one. Attila the Nun. He was an amazing dominator. He had a Gothic Horde, you know. A wonderful Gothic Horde, and he used to move about entire countries and strangle people completely to death. And then, when everybody woke up, they’d see a little note pinned to their chest, saying: “You’ve been dominated. Ha ha. Attila the Nun".

Hitler was a very peculiar person, wasn’t he? He was another dominator, you know, Hitler. And he was a wonderful ballroom dancer. Not many people know that, he was a wonderful little dancer, he used to waltz around with a number “8” on his back. The only trouble was, he was very short, and people used to shout out to him when he was dancing, and say, “Wie kurz du bist – how short you are!” And this of course enraged Hitler. He flew into a tantrum, and he gave up ballroom dancing and took up wholesale raping and pillaging instead.